There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.