Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
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I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.