Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
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good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
i really liked this one
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”