“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”