Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin