Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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the three genders
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀