Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
You Might Also Like
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no