If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit