I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
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“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……