4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
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won’t smith
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired