I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
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I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)