Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
My typo game is string.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”