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“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.