me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?