Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple