Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
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6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
So true for me
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
That’s no pocket rocket.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff