Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
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Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.