Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Yes, this is exactly right
ready to be harvested
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…