I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*