We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork