Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
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Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Friday night party time 🥳
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.