we all know this pain all too well
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Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.