I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.