[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?