Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
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Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.