That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.