While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
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Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
BaD BoY!!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Worst perfume name ever.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*