Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.