My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
they finally got him. they got macavity
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
absolute chaos
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg