Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
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A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Love this guy
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.