[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
You Might Also Like
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
the three branches of government