lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
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The Backseat Boys
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall