In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Twitter fine art
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it