Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?