It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]