[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.