I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
philosophical skeletons be like
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Confused owl: What?!
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.