My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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Cause of death: Zumba
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs