Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
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Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Baller is short for ballerina
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left