As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
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ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
i spent way too long on this
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.