[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You Might Also Like
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Me as a therapist: omg same
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
ibopfufen
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.