RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
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Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.