Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
thinking about a very short hotdog
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Stop.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away