I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.