Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
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Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Just as the prophecy foretold
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
This headline is a thing of beauty
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.