How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
can’t catch a break
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?