Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
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Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
choose your gary
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Sponch
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.