Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.