I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
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According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Note to self: I am a note
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”