See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”